I’m Wallowing

I don’t know why, but everything just seems WRONG!  I wish I was 17 again and could go to my rock, by the little manmade waterfall, by the river and eat a bag of Doritos and just watch the water flow downstream and let it carry all my problems away. But I’m not 17, and I can’t eat a bag of doritos because that would just be adding to one of my main problems, being fat, and my little place of solitude by the river is 300 plus miles away.

I miss my little corner of solitude in the world.  I miss being 17  and having the freedom to jump in the car and drive to a state park and climb down a squeeze rock and pretend there are no problems in life.  Being an adult really sucks! 

I know that the only thing that will make me feel better is to get my weight under control, and take back control in life over the things I’ve lost all control.  Truthfully, I need to grow up.  But growing up is a very hard thing to do.  In fact sometimes it seems like the task is completely impossible.

Maybe I need to develop a time just for me each day. I feel like so much of my life is giving for others that I don’t really think for myself any more.  I’m constantly trying to do what others expect or want, although don’t ask my husband that question, he probably thinks I’m selfish.  The man has waited on me hand and foot for 2 years, it was the only thing he had to do, and honestly now that he’s working I think he resents it.  Please don’t get me wrong, we love each other very much, but right now we are struggling to adjust to our new schedule with him working and finding the pattern we once had in life. 

Okay, I’ll stop bellyaching, lets turn this positive, lets talk about what I can do to change the situation.  One thing I know for sure I don’t feel attractive, in fact I feel down right ugly both inside and out.  I hate the fact that I’m so fat and I feel horrible.  My feet ache, my legs ache, my back aches, all because of this extra weight I carry with me every day.  I’ve tried to lose weight recently and had no success.  But I think I wasn’t quite ready to. I have some personal demons holding me back.  See once, several years back, I lost a ton of weight, over 90 pounds. I looked great, I felt great.  And I kept the weight off for about a year.  Then life took some turns for the worse and slowly the weight started creeping on, then all of the sudden it just jumped back on like a steaming locomotive.

so part of the reason I don’t want to lose weight again, and I keep finding reasons, even though I need to lose weight, a lot of weight, for my health, I don’t.  See I have this fear of what people are going to say again.  Will they mock me for gaining the weight back and losing it again?  Probably not.  But they will mention the fact that I’m losing weight again, and I don’t like that attention.  Nick says this is stupid reasoning.  He’s right. it is, but he’s not a dreadfully overweight woman. He doesn’t have the same emotions I have.  I’ve always been afraid of what people would say about me, and its holding me back.

I know I have to overcome this, I’m getting more and more physical problems because of my weight.  I’m too young to have these problems. I don’t want to feel bad all the time.  I want to be in control of my body and my mind.  If only I could get around the emotional side of losing weight.

Well I did take one step in the direction of losing weight, I ordered the Firm’s new system, The Wave. I’m a sucker for new concepts.  I have a lot of exercise videos. I don’t need another system, but this system looked interesting and lower impace, and considering how bad my legs, knees, and ankles feel all the time any more I wanted low impact.  I won’t have much time to use it until I return from this trial out in San Francisco, but I’ll be ready to go when I get back.  And in January I’m taking a weeks vacation and plan to have a Rebekah Recharing Session and do a bootcamp week of a lot of excercising and some pampering of myself as well. 

Lets talk about something more interesting.

Baby in a Pumpkin Patch with a Turtle Hat
Baby in a Pumpkin Patch with a Turtle Hat

I can’t tell you this little guys name, but isn’t he cute!  I made him that hat.  Its an orange hat with green turtles on it.  It was his mommy’s baby shower present with the book Yertle the Turtle and a Yertle the Turtle stuffed animal.  Its always nice to see your handi-work in use.  I normally don’t knit for  people any more for showers, but his grandmother is a knitter, so I knew the mother would appreciate and understand a hand-knit item.

I’m nearly finished with the Alpaca Hat.  Just have to weave in ends and sew in the fleece lining.  It turned out really cute.  I’ll hopefully have pictures of the finished item soon.  Now I’m trying to finish up gatherin intentions for my trip.  I’m not sure if I’ll finish it or not, but it at least gives me something to focus on when I have time to do something other than work.

About rebekahsyarn

Knitter and Spinner
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8 Responses to I’m Wallowing

  1. Jennifer says:

    Change is hard. It just is. I’m sorry to hear that things are rough right now, and I hope you find some peace in it all soon.

  2. Chris says:

    I can definitely relate. I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained throughout my adult life. Exercising is the key, although it is SO hard to get back in the exercise habit after getting out of it. I’m still struggling with that one.

    Good luck! You can do it, when you decide that you need to do it – and it sounds like you have. Don’t forget about cycling for low impact exercise!

  3. Agnes says:

    I have the same problem of being able to stick to a regular exercise schedule. It’s hard. But maybe you try to find inner peace for yourself first … then reorganize your life. I don’t know … meditation? Yoga? Anyway, wish you the best. 🙂

  4. Carrie K says:

    I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained that amount of weight a few times. It’s always a little unnerving to be at the top end of it again. Honestly, while people do tend to chatter on endlessly about other people, no one really cares. It’s easy enough to blithely say not to care what other people think, it’s hard to do. OTOH, are they living your life? Are you happy trying to please a faceless horde that, face it, you’re basically guessing what they want out of you and are probably wrong about?

    And of course you can do whatever you set your mind to. You knit! We can overcome all.

  5. CatMyers says:

    What an adorable HAT! That little guy looks like part of the pumpkin patch. I imagine we’ve ALL been there (and some of us are still there!) with the weight struggle. Did you use Sheldon the Turtle for his “Yurtle?” I want to make that for my grandson some day. Just need to get the yarn for it.

  6. Alison says:

    I’ll admit I’ve never had to struggle with weight, but I have struggled with physical issues – joint and muscle pain the last couple of years. Yoga is a very gentle way to help with those issues; beginner’s classes are really good and when I’m on a yoga program, my body betrays me a lot less. Good teachers emphasize doing what you are capable of doing, not what everyone else in the class is capable of. Stressing about the issues you’re having will make them worse (been there with my joint pain); yoga really helps settle the mind and helps you to feel comfortable with your body and its limitations. At least that’s the experience I’ve had in yoga. Anyway, I think yoga is a good complement to any exercise program (or even lack of other exercise).

  7. Kathy says:

    I love you know matter what, you’re always beautiful on the inside. You’re generous, loving, kind, encouraging, self-sacrificing, silly, fun, well you get the picture, I could go on and on. Don’t worry about what other people say, the important people will be encouraged by your fortitude.

    By the way, you’ll be happy to know that I couldn’t zip my jeans up this morning and had to go to the next size jeans in my drawer. Doesn’t that make you feel better. 🙂

    You could quit eating wheat (of course that’s my answer to everything. But I do think that when people who are sensitive to wheat eat it, it makes them puffy). I’ve not been too good at keeping away from wheat lately, so I’m itchy, snuffly, head achy, and can’t get into my pants.

  8. Sonya says:

    Sometimes you just gotta wallow. And frankly, being a grown up sucks in many ways. Kevin and I both gained back the weight we had lost when he was diagnosed. When knocked for a loop I reach for the Doritos too. We’re getting back to eating right and slowly getting back into walking. Walking is the secret, Rebekah. Have you ever done any yoga? It helps me when I’m feeling blue or like my head is going in different directions. Makes me feel very peaceful.

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